Just call me "Grouch"

I didn't even know it was time for the Academy Awards until one of my coworkers mentioned one of the results (read off of the web through a cell--as far as I can tell, all of them have webbrowsers here). Because of the time difference, the winners were being announced even as we were teaching. How exciting!

So, now I've had time to review and consider the results, and with much prayerful consideration I have decided to announce and immediately present:

*** Toby's 1st Annual Authoritative Oscar Review ***

OK, so I've only seen maybe half a dozen of the movies on the nominees list. Nonetheless, I, for one, still have full confidence in my own opinions.

Anyway. I didn't expect to be impressed, of course, but, still: I wasn't impressed.

Best Motion Picture - LOTR: ROTK

It is abundantly apparent that I am an incorrigible LOTR fan, but I prefer it in its pure, ideal, Platonic form, not the sullied projected-on-a-nasty-cave-wall movie adaptation, which was not at all deserving of Best Picture (whether you think of it as just ROTK, or the entire trilogy). Not by a long shot. The editing was abominable; character motivation was often nowhere to be found; many of the lines came straight out of mindless action movies. And then there are the particulars: Legolas vs. the Oliphaunt; Liv delivering her lines like her throat is leaking; the bizarre doggy pile when Frodo regains consciousness after Mount Doom; Elrond's awful, ear to ear grin at Minas Tirith.

Not that I think the other nominees are any better, necessarily. I would not rate Lost in Translation above ROTK: it presents itself as an intelligent movie, but it isn't; its flaws are considerably more stealthy, but they're still there. As for the other three, I haven't seen them. I've heard that Master and Commander was pretty bad, and I bite my thumb at Seabiscuit on general principle. I've been told that Mystic River is decent, but I haven't seen it.

Maybe it was just a year for bad movies. Who knows.

Achievement in Directing - Peter Jackson

He gets an A for effort, and an A+ for intent. But what exactly was so spectacular about his directing?

"Can you make those Oliphaunts look even bigger? Thanks."
"Liv, can you make your voice even breathier? Thanks."
"OK, Orlando, in this scene, I want you to look cool. No, cooler. No, just a bit cooler. Cooler. Cooooler. Coooooooler. Cooler! Yeah, there you go."
"OK, Hugo, in this scene I want to grin really widely. No, I mean, really wide. Hmm, OK, you're not getting it. Oh, I know: How old are you? Perfect--imagine that's your IQ and you just got a great big bowl of ice cream! Yeah, sure, chocolate ice cream."

Adapted Screenplay - LOTR:ROTK

"Adapted"? "Butchered", maybe. How about, "Ravaged"? "Eviscerated"? "Mutilated"? "Dismembered"?

Achievement in Film Editing - LOTR:ROTK

What are they, mad?

Where did Saruman go? What happened to all the orcs in the stronghold where Frodo was held prisoner? How did Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and those dead dudes get to the Corsair ships? How did the gaggle of supporting characters react to the victory of the good guys? Did the thousands of dead get a funeral or something? How did Eowyn and Faramir survive, and how did they end up all snuggly at Aragorn's crowning?

Achievement in Art Direction, Costume Design, Makeup, Music, Sound, Visual Effects - LOTR: ROTK

Well, OK, yeah.

Right: enough about LOTR.

Original Screenplay - Lost in Translation

Well, I got to thinking about this one.

Maybe Bill Murray's delightful deadpan humour wasn't entirely invented by himself on set, and some of it actually came from the script. Maybe his throwback "me so solly" humour was entirely invented by him. And, come to think of it, the two-inch-thick melancholia spackled onto Johansson in about half of her scenes was probably a result of overzealous directing rather than a flaw in writing (or, for that matter, a lack of acting talent--or so I've come to suspect).

So, who knows, maybe it deserved this one. Yay, Sophia Coppola! She's some kind of genius.